What If They Do Not Believe In Me or Even Listen To Me?

Have you ever felt like you're not being taken seriously when you talk or that they're not really listening to you?  Sometimes it's so subtle that it's difficult to pinpoint.  I have felt this often.  I wonder, is it because I'm a woman, because I'm perceived as young?  Maybe it's because I'm an introvert and quiet.  It could even be my small stature.  It's difficult to know.  When I've shared this with others, a few completely understand but many will look at me in a confused way and question whether this is actually happening.  Then I begin to wonder whether it's just my own insecurity.

I read a quote in the bible recently that resonated with me.  Moses asked, "But what if they do not believe me or even listen to me?  What if they say, God has not appeared to you!'?"

In the second book of the bible, called Exodus, the Hebrew people are slaves in Egypt.  God hears their cry and tells Moses that he will be the one to save his people.  Moses, even though he was in front of a bush on fire that was not burning, and hearing a voice come from that bush, pushed back.  Him?  Save people enslaved to Pharaoh, the most powerful person in the land?  Him who ran away at the first sign of danger?  Him, who had been adopted by Pharaoh's daughter and had actually lived in luxury while his own race lived as slaves?

His first words upon being called by this voice were, "Here I am," but once he found out what this voice wanted, he clearly doubted what was being asked of him.  He wondered if people would believe him and would question his qualifications.  I wonder, as someone who was adopted, whether he had ever truly fit into the royal family and if he was treated as an equal.  He must have felt like an outsider both in the Egyptian household in which he was raised and to his birth family and race, to whose experiences and struggle he would not have been able to relate.

We all hold doubt and question our own talents and wonder if we're good enough.  But there are other times when we're put into positions of having to defend our own gifts.  There are times when I am interrupted in conversations, when my thoughts and ideas are dismissed, and when I'm not given the space to share my opinion.  I usually end up frustrated and feeling unheard and unvalued.

When I was a minister in Saskatchewan, the conference had a policy called, "Holy Manners."  These were lifted up at meetings and gatherings.  I have included them below.  They are a list of gentle reminders as to how we are to be with one another.  Sometimes it's these gentle reminders that help make us aware of how we relate with other people, no matter their age, race, gender, experience, etc.

When you gather with others, do you feel heard and valued?  Do you feel you were given the space to share your thoughts and opinions?  Do you feel you are listening to others and giving them space and respect for differing opinions.  How we relate to one another can make all the difference in how people are welcomed and included and how they experience compassion and love in the world.  As a person who follows Christ, this is very important to me.  Jesus always welcomed the outsider and ate at table with those that others excluded.  Loving our neighbour is not easy.  Loving the stranger can be even more difficult, but we are called to journey with each other and with the Spirit as we work towards bringing God's kingdom to earth.  May it be so.

Holy Manners

Preamble

Our holy manners create an environment where we are freed and empowered

To take risks

To think creatively

To be fully ourselves

knowing that we are valued, loved and upheld in community.

Statement of Holy Manners

     We commit ourselves and will hold each other accountable to:

1. Keep God at the centre of everything we do;

2. Respect the worth of each individual; 

3. Affirm people's right to hold and express differing opinions, assume best intentions, listen carefully to each other, without interrupting;

4. Strive for equal opportunity and encouragement of participation of all;

5. Affirm the wisdom of silence, pausing from time to time to ponder what others have said and to discern the Spirit's movement;

6. Seek to understand what others are saying;

7. Be open to new ideas;

8. Respect the confidentiality of individual members and their stories; 

9. Uphold and honour decisions that have been made;

10.  Keep life in perspective by preserving a sense of humour; and 

11.  Hold one another in prayer.

Why Do We Ask Forgiveness If We Are Already Forgiven?

The second of four sermons picked "out of a hat," suggestions offered by the congregation.  This topic, "Why do we ask forgiveness if we are already forgiven?" was based on two scripture passages: Psalm 25: 1, 6-12, 16-18 and Mark 1:4-12.  It was delivered on July 30, 2017.

There was an incident recently where one of my sons was under a lot of stress and sometimes when this son is under a lot of stress, he gets stubborn and surly, and can be very short tempered and even mean.  He got like this with me recently, and I was very upset and he knew it.  Later, he came and apologized, but he said it grudgingly.  I asked him why he was apologizing if he didn’t really mean it.  He said he just wanted to move past it, smooth the waters, and make me not angry anymore.  I told him that’s not how it works.  Of course, this upset him all over again.  He didn’t really feel he should apologize but he felt I should just accept the apology and move on.  Again, I said, that’s not how it works.

Eventually we talked it through and I did receive a genuine apology and regret for his actions.  Being his mom, I would have forgiven him eventually, even if he hadn’t asked.  He’s my son and I love him unconditionally.  As a mom though, I also needed him to understand that asking forgiveness is more than just about smoothing over the waters, putting an incident into the past, and forgetting about it.  I needed him to learn that to apologize should mean much more.

I learned a few years ago, on a United Church national committee, how political apologies can be.  We were discussing pregnant teenagers who had been secreted away to have their baby, sometimes in church-run centres, and sometimes, manipulated into giving up those babies.  An organization, supporting these women, was now looking for an apology. 

When one apologizes, they are admitting to wrongdoing and this, for an organization or government, probably means paying out lots of money for reparation, which sometimes becomes the main concern between organizations and lawyers.  Although these monetary reparations can be helpful to repair damage, for those receiving the apology, it can be the least important part.  It's more about hearing that there has been a wrong, that there is understanding around the amount of pain and suffering that was created by this wrong, and most significantly, how will things change moving forward.  When my son was mean to me, did he understand what he had done was wrong?  Did he understand the pain and the hurt feelings he had caused?  Most importantly, would this behaviour change in the future or how might he handle his stress in a different way next time?  If all of this is never addressed, the wrongdoing and the pain will occur again, just in different ways, and we will go around in circles, and the wrong and pain will continue into other relationships.

 When the United Church offered their first apology to the First Nations people back in 1986, it was acknowledged with a hope that “the Apology is not symbolic but that these are the words of action and sincerity.”  Another further apology was offered in 1998, specifically apologizing for our role in the residential school system.  The United Church has put a lot of work into its relationship with aboriginal people and there is still a lot of work to be done but the hurt and the suffering have been acknowledged and it is now our responsibility to keep an open mind and listen to those who have been hurt.  It’s up to them as to how we will move forward.  Some day, we hope, they may accept our apology as sincere and genuine because of our actions and our relationship.

The question that I pulled out of the box a couple of weeks ago was, “If we are already forgiven by God, why do we have to ask forgiveness?”  It’s a profound question.  In the Catholic Church, the act of asking forgiveness of God is a sacrament and is usually required before taking other sacraments in church, like communion, marriage, and being anointed before death.  It’s a way of making ourselves clean before God. 

Many Protestants and many Catholics nowadays dismiss the obligation to go before a priest and confess ones sins.  Most see it as another antiquated requirement that has no meaning.  Most dismiss the idea that it is a sin not to go to confession.  Mostly I would agree.  I went to confession as a child and it mostly felt uncomfortable.  It felt like I was making up something to tell the priest and it felt strange that I was automatically forgiven after I said a few “Hail Marys” and an “Our Father.”  It didn’t feel genuine and sincere.

I do believe though that there is value in confession and that this time of confession can be considered a holy moment, or an “outward and visible sign of the divine,” which is how we define a sacrament.  Unburdening oneself by telling another, a priest, a friend, or a counselor, of past regrets, bad choices or decisions made, or one’s harsh treatment of another might be what helps one to move beyond all of it.  It might be the one time when someone listens without judgment, when we can talk to someone impartial.  It might be a relief to hear that you are forgiven and that God loves you, no matter what.

The 25th psalm is attributed to David.  David is one of the heroes in the bible but he made some very bad choices.  Read the second book of Samuel, chapter 11 to hear how he took advantage of a woman and killed her husband.  This psalm is the expression of one who is looking for forgiveness and assurance that God is still by his or her side.  Remember that psalms are like poems that put into words what is deep in one’s soul.  Sometimes we cry out for mercy, sometimes we cry for justice or maybe vengeance, and sometimes we thank God and cry out with joy. 

I can imagine David in this psalm, just after he is called out for his misbehaviour, his sin.  David reminds God of God’s steadfast love, he asks God not to remember the sins of his youth, and he asks God to pardon his guilt.  The 18th verse reads, “Relieve the troubles of my heart, and bring me out of my distress.  Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins.”  I can imagine David confessing, opening his heart, his mind, and his soul to the universe, to the divine, and, even if he doesn’t get an answer, this act of confession bringing relief and release.  But is that the only reason to confess, to make one’s self feel better?

The gospel story from Mark is usually heard on the Sunday we celebrate Jesus’ baptism, typically the second Sunday of January.  In this story, we read of John the Baptist “proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. And people from the whole Judean countryside and all the people of Jerusalem were going out to him, and were baptized by him in the river Jordan, confessing their sins.” (Mark 1:4-5)

After confessing their sins, John baptizes them to symbolize their new life.  Their old selves are washed clean of past hurts, regrets, wrongs, and they are being put back into the world, forgiven and ready to turn around - which is what it means to repent - to turn around, to transform, to turn from old ways and old ways of being.  Think of the significance of this for Jesus.  The gospels tell us he was about 30 years old when he began his ministry, when he came to the River Jordan to be baptized by John.  He had lived a very full life already, possibly with some regrets, possibly carrying some guilt.  We are told he was fully divine as well as fully human.  We are told he was a follower of John for a time.  Maybe this moment was one of transformation for him, a moment so significant that the heavens opened up, a dove descended and he heard a voice proclaiming, “This is my beloved with whom I am well-pleased.”  Can you imagine the power of those words after confessing and being made clean, ready to begin a new life.  Maybe this marked the moment that Jesus turned from his prior life and into a new one, one of teaching, healing, and forgiving.

'

            How does our own confession of sins change us?  How do we repent, turn from our old lives into something new?

            I’m listening to and reading a lot from Pete Rollins, a philosopher from Ireland.  I mentioned some of his thoughts around eternal life in the "Vampire & Saints" post .  In reading from his most recent book, “The Divine Magician,” I read some of his thoughts on forgiveness.  Rollins writes that, “Forgiveness means wiping something out.  In contrast to the religious reading of forgiveness as a payment of some debt, forgiveness actually refers to the clearing of the slate: a removal of debt.  To forgive a debt does not mean that the debt is paid back, but rather that it is rendered void."

            When we confess our sins, when we seek forgiveness, it’s not about whether we deserve forgiveness.  We are not asking what we can do before we can be forgiven.  We are not seeking to make a payment, to clear some debt that we owe.  To be forgiven is to have the slate cleaned.  To be forgiven is to start anew.  To be forgiven is a gift, free of obligations.  Forgiveness should never come with conditions. 

Most of us have heard the oft-quoted words from Jesus that we do not forgive seven times, but seventy-seven times, which for many of us would be unreasonable.  Sometimes it’s our anger and pride that get in the way, but sometimes it’s our own self-worth that tells us that enough is enough.  But this isn’t the case with God.  We are always forgiven, seven times, seventy-seven times, seven million times.  And we may not deserve it, but that’s not why we’re forgiven.  It’s because we are loved and loved unconditionally.  It’s because we are children of God, unique creations of the Creator, each beloved and with whom God is well-pleased. 

            We ask forgiveness for our own sake and for the sake of others.  We ask forgiveness to unburden ourselves, to speak our truth, to find assurance that we are still loved and still worthy of love.  Confessing also helps us to move on to repentance, to turn over a new leaf and to start anew.  We ask forgiveness so that others feel heard and understood, to acknowledge their pain and their hurt, and to offer them hope that our actions will change and show the sincerity in our words.

            This is why we ask forgiveness.  And we ask forgiveness of God, because, like a loving parent, we know that we will always be granted this forgiveness.  We know that we are loved, no matter our past mistakes or bad choices.  God’s Spirit is always with us, encouraging us to love and serve our neighbour, comforting us in times of pain and distress, pushing us to confess and tell our story, and gently reminding us that we are loved always and unconditionally.  Thanks be to God.  Amen.

Those "Other" Churches

On Thursday, I met with three people over breakfast.  They were all from churches in Oakville but all different denominations: Christian Reformed Church (CRC), Pentecostal, and Anglican.  Myself and one other were from the United Church.  We were all there as people who work with children, youth, and families in our churches.

It's not often that I have a chance to rub shoulders with people from other denominations.  Mostly, we tend to stick to our own "kind."  The unfortunate fact is that most churches view other churches with suspicion.  When it comes to other churches within one denomination, there is some cooperation, but there is also competitiveness, mostly around the numbers of people, numbers of children, financial successes, etc.  When it comes to working with other denominations (other Christian churches that are not part of the United Church), we tend to get suspicious about their theology and structure.  The minister's qualifications are questioned, political suspicions are aroused around a denomination being conservative, liberal, or progressive, and theology is highly under suspicion when it comes to how the bible is read, how the death of Jesus is interpreted, how we evangelize and do mission, and how we talk about God.

All this being said, when I sat around that table, with people from denominations very different from my own, it felt like we all had the same common goals.  In talking about our children's programs, we all wanted to provide a safe and inclusive space for children where they can feel loved and accepted, teach them about Jesus and how we are the hands and feet of Christ to the world, and to let them know that God loves them no matter what.  When it comes right down to it, I think this is what all Christians want to do.

When we work together, we can learn from one another.  The United Church tends to be a church that focuses on the mind.  We want our ministers to have MDivs, we want strong preaching and bible studies, and we tend to be highly attuned to words, interpretation, exegesis, and hermeneutics.  I think this might be true of many mainline denominations (Presbyterian, Methodist, etc.)  I think we also tend to focus on the life of Jesus, rather than his death and resurrection.

Other churches that are more pentecostal or evangelical, tend to focus on the heart. Rituals, music, and small groups tend to be inspirational and moving.  There is less focus what is being said than in how it is said, how it can move you and inspire you.  These churches focus on how the death of Jesus affects people and the power behind his sacrifice on the cross.

These are generalizations, of course, but I have heard people who attend mainline denominations criticize it's traditionalist worship and hymns and preaching that seemed designed to instil boredom and from others attending more pentecostal churches that the preaching doesn't go deep enough or they are only hearing concepts that focus on the individual's own salvation and Jesus' death rather than his ministry.

How might we be stronger and inspire more people if we were focusing on both the mind and the heart?  What change might occur if there were more sharing and more cooperation between denominations?

Jesus said, "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." (Mark 10:15) Maybe we need to start listening to those people who work with our children.  How might the church look if we paid more attention to our young people and those who work with them?  In my own experience in the United Church, it's the children's workers who are the first to go when finances get tight, and the last to be heard when making changes and visioning a future.

I am looking forward to doing more work with people from other churches in Oakville.  I have a vision of more partnership between churches, more cooperation in our programs, more sharing in what we do.  Maybe, in our work with the children of Oakville, we can bring a little of the kingdom of God to the here and now.

Deborah Who?

In my bible reading this week, I came across a verse that stuck with me throughout the day.  From the 35th chapter of Genesis, verse 8: And that's when Rebekah's nurse, Deborah, died.  She was buried just below Bethel under the oak tree.  It was named Allon-Bacuth (Weeping Oak).

This verse is set in a chapter about the journey of Jacob, one of Rebekah's twin sons.  Before this, Deborah had not been mentioned and she is never mentioned again.  It felt like a verse that was put into the story later.  Someone felt this death was important and not to be missed.  But why?  Who was she? Why is there so little about her?

There is some speculation that this is the same person in chapter 24 of Genesis, when Rebekah is chosen as a bride for Isaac and leaves home "with her nurse."  Just a verse later it describes Rebecca with her "young maids," so whether this was Rebekah's childhood nurse or someone chosen to nurse Rebekah's children, I don't know.

When reading about the women of the bible, one does a lot of speculating and guessing.  Most of the time the women are left out of the narrative, forgotten, and sometimes even unnamed.  The fact that this nurse was named and had her death and burial recorded must mean she was very important or at least seen as valuable to Jacob and his family.  In many cultures, children valued their nurses more than their mothers, as nurses were the ones who nurtured and cared for the children of women with some status.  In some ways, women of import were seen as above the role of caregiver of their children.  Thus we know exactly when Isaac, Jacob’s father, died and how old he was and where they buried him, but we have no idea when Jacob’s mother, Rebecca, died or whether her family grieved her loss.

Rosie the Riveter is an image used to promote feminism; it's an image of a woman I didn't even now had a name until recently.  Did you know she is based on an actual person?  It wasn't until recently that she was identified. Well, actually misidentified and then identified.  Read the story here.

This Halloween, a young person from church decided she wanted to dress up as Rosie the Riveter for Halloween.  I thought it was wonderful to choose such a strong female image.  Unfortunately, at a weekend Halloween event, her peers had no idea who she was, which was disappointing and discouraging to this young person.  Luckily, she has a mom who encouraged her daughter to continue wearing the costume for other Halloween events.  Hopefully, a few more people learned about this iconic figure.

Finding strong, independent female images can be challenging.  Princesses abound in our culture.  The bible is filled with strong, male characters, heroes and villains, kings and shepherds, and women are usually the supporting roles.  Even God is mostly described with male imagery.  It can be difficult to find female characters in the bible to whom we connect.  Rebekah was one strong character, who unfortunately used deceit to promote her favourite son and then disappears from the story.  It's Deborah, the well-loved nurse, who is remembered, but even she is only given one verse in the bible, relating to her death.  It's no wonder that Mary, the mother of Jesus, became such a well loved and even a worshipped figure as there were very few female images from which to choose.

This is probably one of the most difficult aspects of the bible for me.  It was written by men, for men, during a time when women were considered property and had little to no say in their own lives and in the world around them.  Highlighting female characters is thus very important to me.  I hold onto female images of the divine, like the images from Jesus of the mother hen in the gospel of Matthew or the woman who lost and found a coin in Luke's gospel.  There are images of God in Isaiah as a mother who cares for her child or the God who gives birth.  One of my favourite images is from Proverbs, the only female personification of God in the bible.  Wisdom is her name or in Greek, Sophia.  (Notice the title of my blog.)  Asserting these images in a world that is filled with male images of God is important and valuable if we want our young people to experience God as a vast mystery with many images and symbols, not just that of Father.

**If you listen to podcasts, the Liturgists have an excellent episode called, "God as Mother."  It will challenge you on how you name God.

Vampires and Saints

One of four sermons picked "out of a hat," suggestions offered by the congregation.  This topic, "Vampires and Saints: Who Live Longer," was based on two scripture passage: Leviticus 17:10-14 and Matthew 16:24-28.  The sermon was delivered on July 23, 2017.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life: John 3:16

I am one of those people who enjoy books and programs on the supernatural.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer is one of my favourite shows. “In every generation there is a chosen.  She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness.”  I read books about werewolves, ghosts, and other supernatural beings.  I like the mythology around the characters and the creativeness that people use to tell the human story through supernatural characters. 

Character created by Joss Whedon

As most of you know, the topic today was chosen out of a hat a few weeks ago.  It read, “Who lives longer: vampires or saints?”  Afterwards, I had a recommendation from someone to watch a program called, “What We Do in the Shadows.”  It’s a film created in New Zealand that feels like a documentary about four vampires who are flatmates.  One of the characters, Nick, is invited to the flat as a meal, but is instead turned into a vampire by one of these flatmates.  He is thrilled by this new journey.  He can fly, he can do a bit of hypnosis, and he can change his appearance, like turning into a bat.  He eagerly shares with regular people this new life, although he is told how important it is to keep it secret.  One day though, he tells the wrong person.  It turns out to be a vampire hunter who comes to their house and kills the oldest of the flatmates.  He’s devastated by what he’s done.  At one point, he’s is in a cafe with a friend and picks up a french fry.  One of the vampires says, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you?”  Nick responds, “Why?” and eats it anyway.  He is then violently ill   He begins to feel that being a vampire is the worst thing that could have happened to him.  He will never see a sunset, he can’t ever eat his favourite food, and his life has to be kept secret.  

Eternal life holds a kind of fascination for many.  The idea of never growing old and living forever seems attractive or sometimes it’s spending eternity with loved ones.  For some, the supernatural expresses this fascination and for others,  this fascination is around eternal life with God in heaven.  What would it mean to live forever?  Like Nick, we might discover it’s not all we hoped.  

One of the books in the bible, Leviticus, carries some of the first laws that God gave to the people of Israel.  In it, we hear of this prohibition on the drinking of blood.  “For the life of the flesh is in the blood; and…the life of every creature—its blood is its life.”  Blood is life.  It’s what flows through our bodies.  If it’s not flowing, we’re dead.  During the time of these laws, it was blood more than anything else that indicated life.  If you lost enough of it, you died.  It makes sense that this would be the one thing that would keep a vampire alive after death.

We even hear this in Jesus’ words before he died.  During the last supper with his disciples, he held up a glass of wine and said, "This is my blood, the blood of the new covenant, which is poured out for many."  It’s interesting to have an old law about not drinking blood and then in the gospels hear Jesus, a Jewish man, symbolically talk about drinking his blood.  Blood though is all about life and death.  Jesus knew he would die soon but Jesus also knew that this ritual was a reminder to his disciples that this sacrifice was for them, that his blood, his life, was being poured out for many, so that they might live.  Does this mean life after death or is he talking about life while we’re living?

And what about saints?  In the United Church, and many Protestant churches, saints are seen as those who have gone before us.  When we die we join this communion of saints or we use a phrase from the book of Hebrews, “cloud of witnesses.”  We remember and we honour all those people who have gone before us and who have brought us to where we are today.

In the Catholic Church though saints are seen very differently.  There are particular people who are made saints, which means one can pray to them and they can intercede on our behalf.  Some pray to St. Anthony to help them find lost objects or St. Jude for lost causes.  St. Francis of Assisi is the saint of animals and to whom we attribute the words, “Make me a channel of your peace.”  I read that there are estimates of more than 10,000 people being made saints.  These saints are held up as extraordinary beings and as those who can continue to make a difference in this world after death by performing miracles and hearing and responding to our prayers.

These people are usually remembered as saints after their death because they made such a difference in the world before their death.  They are revered and some are worshipped.  They are seen as performing acts of miracles.  Some even see the line sometimes as being blurred between a god and a saint, but these were regular people. They weren’t perfect people.  Their faith wasn’t perfect.  People often refer to Mother Teresa’s journals expressing her doubts.  People venerated them because they lived their lives in such a profound way that people felt that their ministry must be continuing in some way after death.  They strived to make a difference in the world and must have made quite an impression to be considered as living on in such an extraordinary way.

So who lives longer, vampires or saints?  It’s an odd questions.  My first thought was that vampires aren’t technically alive.  They are dead or “undead”.  Saints are also dead but they live on in a different way, in the hearts of many.  From the stories, I also know that vampires are creatures that keep to the shadows, and most would say they don’t exist.  In a way, this is another kind of death.  They survive, if that’s want you want to call it, by feeding off the blood of other living beings.  While saints survive through story and tradition and the longing by people to connect with the divine, with God.  But who lives longer?  Do you actually know the name of any vampires that aren’t works of fiction?

Let’s look at the root of the question though.  Let’s look at what we mean when we talk about life, living, or even eternal life.  I want to share with you some words by someone who is one of my favourite people right now, Peter Rollins, a philosopher from Ireland.  He

Peter Rollins

talks about Friedrich Nietzsche, a German philosopher from the late 1800s, who tells a story about the secret to happiness.  A mythical figure is asked about the secret to happiness and the answer is to have never been born.  The second secret, because we can’t help being born, is to die quickly.  

It sounds morbid, and defeatist but the point is that we all suffer.  There is no pure happiness in this world.  We all experience pain and loss in our lives.  The point is to a accept that there is this pain, that it cannot be avoided, and then to live life to its fullest anyway.  Rollins wonders whether those who long for life after death aren’t enjoying their current lives and are striving to find this pure happiness.  Rollins expresses the thought that maybe eternal life is a transformation of the very way we experience life.  In fact, he says, we don’t experience life; it’s life that allows us to experience.  

In Matthew's gospel, Jesus tells his disciples, ““If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.  For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.”  

This is Rollins’ theory:  We all feel this emptiness, this lack, that we try to erase, try to get rid of, try to fill with shiny cars, a bigger house, money, success, sometimes drugs, and sometimes even religion.  The irony is that simply by being and accepting this lack as a part of you, you become more whole. We all have this fantasy that others have achieved happiness. Rollins calls it “the unhappy tyranny of happiness.” We think others have found a way of getting rid of this emptiness. We imagine that our neighbours must be happy with their beautiful house and perfect family.  We imagine that the movie star must be happy with all of his or her success and good looks.  The truth is that we are all trying to find the secret.  We are all trying to fill this void inside of us.  Sometimes when we actually do achieve all our dreams, it’s worse because we realize this wasn’t the solution.  We still feel the emptiness.

Sometimes it’s the dark places that bring us to a whole place.  Sometimes its the places of darkness where we find light and wholeness, or, in Jesus’ words, sometimes we have to lose our life to find it or in order to save your life, you have to lose it first.  

Can we live forever is a medical question, not a theological one.  The theological question is not is there life after death but is life possible before we die.  Death is not the end of life.  Death is what infests life.  It’s not about finding the meaning of life but can we find meaning in life.  

I do not know what happens after we die.  I don’t know if we live forever in another existence, supernaturally or eternally with God.  I don’t know if vampires or saints live longer.  I know that I don’t want to be a vampire and I know that I will never be a saint.  What I do know is that I want to live and live life to it’s fullest.  I want to enjoy every day without longing for a bigger home or more money and success.  I know that life can be full of pain and hurt and that sometimes I will cry out in frustration or in sorrow and curse this life.  But that’s part of being alive.  It’s the highs and the lows of life that give my life meaning.  Instead of questing for happiness or eternal life, I’m going to appreciate the life I’ve got.

What about you?  Are you on a quest for happiness?  Is your goal eternal life?  Are you anxious to leave this life for a new one?  What gives meaning to your life?  Do you need to lose your life to find it?  May God be your guide in this life.  May the Spirit give you strength as you live into those dark places to find your wholeness.  May Christ be with you as you carry your cross and join him on this journey we call life.  May it be so.  Amen.

My Love Affair

I picked up my bible the other day, quite by accident.  I meant to pick up something else, and found the bible in my hand instead.  I realized my mistake right away and went to put it back but I couldn't.  It felt glued to my hand.  It's an average size bible, a New Revised Standard Version, without maps or commentary, but, as I held it, it felt wrong to just put it down.  I held it in my hand, looked at it, and wondered what was drawing me to this book at this time.  I looked at the clock, saw my group book study was about to begin, and intentionally placed the book on my desk where I could pick it up again later.

I continued throughout the day to look at my bible.  I touched it, picked it up, moved it, and stared at it, wondering what was pulling me.

After putting more thought into it, I began to wonder if I was having a love affair with the bible.  I know that sounds crazy, but those are the words that popped into my head.  A love affair.  You see, I am fascinated by the stories of the bible.  I love the poems and some of the phrases and verses.  I love reading commentary on it and learning about people's struggle with it.  I am always wanting to spend more and more time with the bible. 

And actually, what I have realized, is that this love affair is not new and I'm just finally able to name it.  I'm not sure when it started.  I've always had an interest but I think this love affair has heated up recently, from a casual encounter to a deeper sense of longing and purpose.

I know some may have difficulty with calling this fascination with the bible a love affair, partly because it's a book and also because it's a patriarchal book filled with violence, sexual abuse, and some very flawed people.  The bible is far from a romantic, loving novel with happy endings.

But most love affairs are also far from perfect.  I am far from perfect and I can't say I know anyone who is perfect.  My husband and I have been married for 20 years, and we continue to frustrate and get annoyed with one another, pick at each other's flaws, and wish we were different.  I still want to remain married, but our relationship comes with good and bad.  Our love affair has its ups and downs, but it holds my fascination and I still long to spend time with my husband.

After 20 years, my love affair with my husband is still growing strong.  He still makes me laugh and I still surprise him.  We look past the imperfections and flaws and try to accept one another for who we are.  We spend time together, grow together, learn from one another, and work hard to make our relationship work. 

My love affair with the bible can be seen similarly.  I've decided to be more intentional about growing and deepening this connection that I feel.  I've known for a little while that it is possible to read the whole bible in a year and that there are websites or apps that provide assistance.  I have found one that I will use and I will start from the beginning, with the book of Genesis and I'm going to use a fairly new translation called, The Inclusive Bible.  

Hopefully, by this time next year, I will have read the entire bible and maybe will be considering a second time through.

I know that some parts will feel inspirational.  Other stories will make me cringe and wonder why I'm doing this.  I know there will be times when it's so boring, that I will want to quit.  All of this really does sound like a relationship though and I look forward to strengthening this relationship and seeing where it takes me.  Love affairs can sometimes be fleeting but they can sometimes grow to be meaningful and long lasting.  We'll see where this one takes me.