Many people told me that they could never do a silent retreat for that long. I knew it would be challenging, but being silent is not difficult for me and I wondered whether I would settle right into it. What I discovered is that although I can keep from speaking for a long periods of time, the difficult part is silencing my thoughts. Becoming still is not just about not moving or speaking; it's about opening yourself to the universe without distractions. And my thoughts are definitely a distraction.
I did a lot of praying. I attended daily mass every day before lunch. I went for long walks. I journalled. I read scripture. I did a lot of sleeping. The days become very long when they are not filled with tasks.
By the end of the eight days, I was ready to be home. I have realized that I have a lot of work to do. In the time that I spent connecting with God, I realized that if I'm not doing this on a regular basis, in my daily life, it becomes much more difficult during a time of retreat. I also realized that I have some emotional blocks from childhood that I still need to work through. Although I felt lonely during this time and frustrated with my inability to connect with the holy, I learned some valuable lessons that I will continue to work through during my time of sabbatical.
During my time, I memorized a psalm, which I will carry with me into my times of prayer. It starts like this:
You, God, are my God.
Earnestly I seek you.
I thirst for you.
My whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched and
where there is no water. (Psalm 63)
When I first read the psalm, I envisioned my surroundings and maybe my culture as that dry and parched land, but as I kept reading and reciting it, I realized that this dry and parched land lies within me. During this time of Lent (which began on Wednesday), I will continue to find the time each day to connect with the universe around me and with God and maybe find an oasis.
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