Losing What I Count On

Music and singing have always been a large part of my identity.  I've been singing all my life, from singing with the radio, singing at school plays, singing for relatives, being a cantor in the church where I grew up, singing in choirs and bands, and just singing with friends.  Music touches my soul and singing is a way of expressing my soul.  I've been very lucky because singing has always come easily to me and people have always enjoyed listening.  Until recently, my singing voice was the one thing in my life I could always count on.

Slowly, over the past year or more, I've developed a tremor in my singing voice that prevents me from singing higher notes.  It started out as a rare occurrence and has slowly become more frequent.  It has been very embarrassing for me and I have tried to hide it as much as possible.  For a few years, I have been working on my voice with a teacher, and she and I have been working on this tremor for quite a while now without a lot of success.  As I continue to sing and continue to experience this block, I have become more and more frustrated and afraid, afraid that people would notice and afraid that this would be a permanent change in my voice that would eventually prevent me from singing altogether.

When one loses control over something in which they had held complete confidence, it can feel like the world is falling apart.  This can happen with many transitions in life, whether they be times of celebration or sorrow: the birth of a baby, a move, losing or changing a job, loss of a loved one, etc.  Moving from a place of certainly to uncertainty is a time of great stress for many.  

The church I serve has been doing a lot of talking recently about their future and how they might adapt to the changing world surrounding them.  For many, this is a scary time.  Their faith community is one of security and stability, a place where they can go for comfort and support.  When changes happen, this secure place can become one of uncertainty and disruption.  

A change in belief systems can have the same effect.  For some, their faith, their belief systems, are a rock under their feet, sturdy, unchanging, and unshifting.  So when those beliefs are threatened, the rock become a fortress of protection.  And when a crisis in life causes one to question those beliefs or doubt what has always been true, the underlying rock becomes quicksand, shifting, changing, and possibly trying to swallow up and choke that faith until it disappears.  For many, their faith is part of their identity, a part of their lives, the one thing on which they can count and rely, so this can be time of trauma, embarrassment, frustration, and fear.

One thing I have learned over and over again is that I can't live in the past.  This applies to the changes in my voice as well.  I can't go back to how my voice was before.  I have learned a lot through my lessons about my voice and about singing and my voice is growing and changing because of it.  I've also learned that I need to let go.  Because I am afraid of embarrassment and because I am feeling afraid that this change in my voice is permanent, I have approached my singing with trepidation and have been afraid to express my soul in my singing.  

I have to move forward.  I have to take what I have learned and apply it with confidence.  I need to reach deep into that place within that loves to sing, and try to move past the embarrassment and fear.  "Do not be afraid," as we are told over and over again in our scriptures, as we hear during the Christmas season when angels approached Mary and Joseph and the shepherds.   Easier said than done, but we can't live in our past and hold stubbornly to the way we've always done things, let fear keep us from moving forward.  If we can find the determination to more forward, we can allow our experiences to change us, transform us, help us to grow as human beings in relationship with others and with the Holy.  This might mean the ground beneath our feet feels a little shaky at times, but instead of an unchanging rock, we'll have layers beneath us that help root us and ground us and perhaps make us stronger in times of uncertainty and crisis.  

The loss of my singing voice still scares me.  It is a large part of who I am, but it's not all of who I am.  My voice is used for much more than singing.  I use it for preaching, for storytelling, for offering kind words, for laughing, and for conversations.  These are the many layers of my voice, and although my singing feels awfully shaky right now, these other layers will help keep my strong.

Being open to change, being open to new ideas, and being open to differences, keeps my faith growing and keeps it from being fixed and even a bit shaky.  It's ever-changing, ever-growing, and ever-evolving with my own life journey and with those around me.  May it always be so.  Amen.